100 Days of Gratitude: Day 27

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Since I‘ve started doing my gratefuls – out loud and in public – things have changed. When I started doing this, I wrote that I was feeling stuck, anxious and fairly depressed about life – I was still doing stuff that I enjoy – helping out backstage, I’d started a photography course which is something I’ve been wanting to do for years but never given myself permission to do. Its working, as my photography is coming along in leaps and bounds and going in completely unexpected directions, my training was going really well, I’m uninjured, I had set up a really nice surprise present for my brothers 40th, I was writing my daily gratitude journal, and these were bright spots in an otherwise underlying stream of tension, something wasn’t right. In a funny kind of way it felt a bit like I was doing things because I was supposed to, it felt like hard work sometimes, at others, it felt like I was just going through the motions because it was expected. I knew I had to keeping going and believe that it would get better.

And it has. The difference is that I’m deliberately looking for positive’s and because I’m focused on positive, that’s what I’m seeing more of and writing about it makes it real. You’ve all heard of the law of attraction (The Secret), well all of a sudden I feel like I’ve cracked it. This last 3 weeks has been stupidly busy – flying to Sydney to catch up with a friend, I did a photography walkabout, I caught up with Jen Nohra and helped out her 2 competitors backstage at shellharbour, south of Sydney where I’d never been to before – and it was fun, it was easy and I loved every minute. Then out of the blue, another competitor who I’ve been helping out backstage decided to compete at the Melbourne Titles, so my tanning hands and ‘Stage angel’ was required again. Last weekend I was down in Adelaide photographing the show, helping out some more competitors and I’ve got a full write up to do. This weekend I’m helping out Mary again as well as photographing the drag races and on the back of 4 enquires within a week, I’ve finally decided to do comp prep and have got my first 2 clients and possibly a 3rd already!

All of a sudden things are moving along rapidly, gaining momentum and I’m not even trying! Whereas before I started doing my gratefuls I was confused and frustrated about what I was doing, and the direction I was heading in, trying to figure out how to make all these threads knit together, climbing through and over obstacles that kept diverting me. Now it seems so much clearer. I wrote that I felt like I had shrunk inside myself – like I was inhabiting a shell that was too big. I’ve been in that space several times before and it always occurs when I’m going in a direction that is not aligned with my values and who I am – I am quite literally disconnected with myself.

Ever heard of the saying ‘going against the grain’? Well, just like meat doesn’t slice easily when you go against the grain, neither is life!

Maybe I’ve found my grain again…

Can you be grateful for being grateful? If you can, then I am.

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