Game Over

I am not going to compete in September. There. I said it. Thats it. Game over. For this year…

I can’t believe it was only 3 weeks ago that I wrote ‘Game On’!

so why game over?

Well its been an accumulation of things really I suppose, ironically enough probably the least of it is actually my physical state.

My training has been progressing at such a rate that I think even has Aiden surprised – and he expected me to come back quickly. In just 3 weeks I’ve progressed from 2 sessions a week where we worked my whole body at each session to now so much of me is working so well that I need to do 4 sessions a week to fit it all in!

I’m up to about 75% pre surgery capacity on my back, about 60% PSI (pre surgery + injury) on my legs, about 50% PSI on glutes and hammies, about 50% PSI bi and tri, about 20% PSI on Chest and about 10% PSI on my shoulders.

For the first time in a long while this week we could put enough weight on me that I actually broke a sweat by the end of a set 🙂

how much have I missed being able to work heavy enough to fail – its such a good feeling!

Aiden took photos of my back because he can’t believe how much it has changed in such a short space of time – and its all there, I’m lean enough that the definition is very clear…I’m even starting to get some shape back into my shoulders so that when I flex in my front pose I even look like I could be a figure competitor… 🙂

but despite the amazing progress I’ve made in the last few weeks, I am not going to compete.

Its been coming for a while – I’ve had plenty of people tell me ‘You’re only as good as your last competition’  – and I did set the bar pretty high for myself by winning the novice title and coming second overall at my first time on stage…

I’ve had other people say ‘there’s always plenty more competitions’, again, its true there is – Clare Ross pointed out that there isn’t even a season anymore really, you can compete virtually year round.

I had a body talk session with Greg Dolman 2 weeks ago and things like ‘learning from past irresponsibilities’, interference, bringing me to my knees, crown chakra, worthy and wrong came up.

Taken individually that might not make much sense but in context of where I am now it makes perfect sense:

Last year I was irresponsible by being so bloody minded in pushing through my injuries to compete and that resulted in pushing my body beyond its capacity to the point where surgery was the only answer. That has literally brought me to my knees in terms of my ability to progress which, of course, has totally interfered with my plans for this year – was it the wrong thing to do? Very possibly.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing…as long as you learn the lesson. And I am probably a lesson in what not to do! 🙂

Now that I am finally back in training and improving steadily will I be able to improve enough in time to be worthy of stepping on stage or is it the wrong thing to do? There’s 12 weeks until the ANB Victorian Titles, and I’m certainly lean enough to have a go at making it onto stage – but I am going to have to push my body bloody hard…again…which is irresponsible and would jeopardize the progress I have been making.

Would I be doing it for the wrong reasons? Getting up on stage just to to prove I can, is not the right reason to do it – I want to be worthy of my place up there, I am not going to be there just to make up numbers – I am going to be there to be competitive – that’s what a competitor does…but I’m not going to bring myself to my knees to do so…that would be irresponsible, and would certainly interfere with next years plans!

The crown chakra is all about ‘the universe’ and there’s so much going on in my life that just seems to be turning up all connected to my writing and creativity that I feel I need to allow myself the space to pursue whatever the universe is bringing my way – competing for the wrong reasons is going to interfere with this new path that is opening up for me…

My body has spoken, and for a change I might even be listening.

Let’s be honest, it was always going to be a massive uphill battle that depended on everything going right and my shoulders healing rapidly and well. And it just hasn’t turned out that way. With the rest of my body falling apart it has turned a tough job into an almost impossible one and the inescapable truth is that my body is not ready. I am not at 100%, my physio wants me to get an MRI on my left hip to see if there is any soft tissue damage, because it is just not healing despite all the cortisone and rest that I’ve had over the last few months.

I’m very disappointed, the possibility of being able to get back up on stage is what has kept me going through setback after setback, and being a spectator at competitions so far this year, whilst being fun for a whole host of different reasons has really confirmed in my mind just how much I want to be back on the stage instead of in front of it…

But I am comfortable with the decision – I have incredibly high expectations of myself, and right now I am not in a position to meet those expectations – I’m actually going to cut myself a bit of slack for once.

Maybe I’ve learnt the lesson I was meant to learn. It is the right thing to do.

And I did get a bit of a laugh out of it when I told Aiden that I wasn’t going to compete – he nearly had heart failure as he immediately assumed I meant ‘ever again’…

so I let him suffer…

🙂

for about 3 seconds…

He was very relieved when I clarified that I only meant ‘this September’  instead of ‘ever’.

So for all of you currently preparing for your next competition, good luck – this year I’ll be taking your photo from in front of the stage and writing about you in my competition report for Oxygen Magazine, and maybe interviewing you for ANB.tv…

Next year I’ll be up there with you!

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