This week has been a difficult week. On Monday there was the double physio session and plenty of pain as Rosie worked into my biceps, forearm, shoulders and pecs trying to loosen them up a bit so that we can correct my upper arm position in my shoulder socket – this is what is still causing me pain and why even though I’m diligiently doing my rehab, my shoulders dont seem to be making much progress. The right shoulder joint where they took out the degraded bone is aching constantly, my range of movement has even decreased in the last 2 weeks and the rotator cuff rehab just feels crunchy and jammed. My hammies don’t appear to be making any progress despite massages, acupuncture and plenty of rest, sitting for long periods of time or walking up steps causes them to ache. On Monday I was going to write about being strong and the importance of maintaining a positive mental attitude…
On Tuesday I fell into the black hole of despair. Faced with the weeks events I got swallowed up in self pity, self doubt and hopelessness. What if I my shoulders don’t fix properly? What if the x rays reveal arthritis? Am I going to have to have double hip surgery as well? Why aren’t my hammies healing? why is my elbow not healing? why are my hips suddenly degenerating?
I have to stop everything – even rehab for at least a month, because the blood injection in my elbow and the cortisone in my hips all require 3 weeks of rest. That what I’m finding hardest to deal with. It means April is now gone and what if this doesn’t work? Will I have to take May off as well? Is there really any point in trying any more? The tears were always bubbling just below the surface, thoughts of never being able to train again were ever present. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye because it would all have fallen apart.
On Tuesday night I had laser treatment for my hammies.
On Wednesday I had the second blood injection in my elbow and a double cortisone shot in my left hip because the ultrasound showed that the inflammation of the bursur was quite bad. And again, with an elbow immobilised by a golf ball sized lump on either side of the joint and a numb hip, once more the despair swallowed me up, the negativity and doubt took over, the endless noise of thoughts and on more than once I physically had to force the tears back.
On Thursday I couldn’t walk very well due to the stiffness in my hip and my elbow was causing me a lot of pain as I went and got my hip Xrays done. That was not pleasant, trying to maneuver myself on the trolley without using my arms, without bashing my bruised and puffy elbow, trying to get my stiff left leg bent to 90 degrees then flattened onto the trolley, then having to lie on my sore left hip so they could get a picture of my right hip. I was past caring by now, numb to the processes, numb to what it might mean, total apathy – can’t even be bothered to cry anymore.
On Thursday evening I had the chiropractor.
Today I had the cortisone injection in my right hip and walking has become something that I try to avoid, standing up for more than 5 minutes causes the ache to start and sitting for too long sets off my hammies…physically I’m not in a good space, but I’ve managed to get hold of the negativity and accept what needs to be done. With acceptance comes a degree of peace – I’m just going to have to follow the process through and let my body do what it needs to.
I always say that I when I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it properly – total committment…well, now it looks like what I need to do is nothing…at all.
So, to that end, I am safely tucked up in bed…and here I am going to stay…for the whole weekend.
now if only I had someone to bring me breakfast in bed…