that is how the saying goes…hmmm…
I wrote on my intro post that I would try and keep it real again – there would be ups and downs and weird and random bits and I promised a meltdown or 2…I also promised to keep you posted on my screwed up shoulders that have hampered me for more than a year now…what I didn’t anticipate was that some of what I promised would happen in my 2nd post!!!
You know, I went out with a friend the other day who I haven’t seen for about 4 months since I decided to compete – it was just too hard to go out with him and not have a massive night on the beer, so I didn’t see him. Anyway I went out with him last week and it turned into a massive night…and during our extensive conversations topics (we always have great conversations about anything and everything!) he just dropped this on me..
P: ‘What you need Sarah, is a man’
me: ‘hahaha! No I don’t!! thats the LAST thing I need right now…’
P: ‘No, What I mean is you need someone to stabilise you…’
me: ‘Hey, look I know I’ve had my moments recently…and although I wouldn’t quite phrase it like that, you’re right…sort of…what I do need is some stability or something that is constant in my life..’
You see the only constant on my life in the last 2 years has been change and upheaval. I lived in a house that flooded 4 times in 12 months, I’ve moved house, I’ve sold a house, I’ve become single after 10 years, I’ve changed my entire physique from obese to the other extreme – figure competitor – you’ve witnessed the highs and lows that went along with that. I’ve climbed the highest mountain in Africa, I’ve changed jobs 3 times, I ‘ve changed my career 2 times and now I’m out of a job and trying to lock in a new one before Christmas and I’ve changed my entire social circle, I’ve been through depression and had a health scare (Lance the Lymph Node lump is still with me).
There has been one other constant – training. First it was training for Kilimanjaro, then it was training for my photoshoot, then it was training for figure comps and now training for next years comps. I have depended upon my training, I have needed my training – sometimes my training has been the only thing that has got me out of bed…
Today I got that shoulder update and its a bit of a kicker…my one and only constant is about to be taken away from me.
I feel sick.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the guts…again – just when I thought I’d found something that I could really take somewhere and have fun with, I am now faced with the decision of shoulder surgery and up to 6 months off training – and missing next years comps or giving up this style of training completely…forever or battling on having cortisone injections every 4-6 weeks and living with the pain of micro-fractures, bone bruising, cartilage wearing out and arthritis in both of my AC joints.
so now what do I do? I have no more constant, how many times do I have to find strength from somewhere and pick myself off the floor? why am I being tested this way? what am I doing wrong? what is the big picture here?
right now I have a pantry full of lemons and I can’t make lemonade…
I appear to have lost the recipe.